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Tuesday, June 24, 2014
How stepping outside the Catholic Tradition allowed me to rediscover God
This had never really happened to me before.. I was tearing up... in church. How was I suddenly so emotionally moved to cry? now this isn't all out bawling out loudly, but more of a quiet shedding of tears. I felt something stir in me. It was like I could somehow just easily allow myself to surrender to the moment. " when the music fades.... all is stripped away.... and I simply come...." I let the words of the familiar hymn pour over me. Of course I knew the words, it brought me back to a time when I was a teenager in convent school in Singapore, we sang these songs all the time.
I don't know why, but oncle I began to sing, I felt like I could just be, allow myself to somehow to reconnect. It was like there was now this direct line, I didn't have to go through anything or anyone. I hadn't felt this way for a while. It is not like I hadn't found peace like this in then catholic church. I have, on many occasion. However, I realized, going to church every week with family can at times become a bit of on an obligation, you do it out of a sense of duty. However, being able to reconnect with god once again on a more personal level and made it all the more meaningful. I wasn't doing it to make people happy or out of duty, but because I wanted to, because I DESIRED god, I desired that connection and that faith. I suddenly felt like I could trust in him again. I had thought from time to time, well we live in such secular world, people get around ok, people are ok without religion.... To trust in God, it just suddenly seemed so abstract. But now I felt, yes, now I CAN trust in him, just let go and just trust freely. To lift up all that I was carrying around with me to him and just
I never expected to feel something like this here. Here in a Christian church. One without a cross at the front of the church or priests or altar boys in traditional garb. It somehow felt authentic, genuine, easier to connect emotionally. Now, don't get me wrong here, I am not about to abandon Catholicism, was just another way of rediscovering Christ. If anything it made me more curious about the catholic faith.
I don't know why, but oncle I began to sing, I felt like I could just be, allow myself to somehow to reconnect. It was like there was now this direct line, I didn't have to go through anything or anyone. I hadn't felt this way for a while. It is not like I hadn't found peace like this in then catholic church. I have, on many occasion. However, I realized, going to church every week with family can at times become a bit of on an obligation, you do it out of a sense of duty. However, being able to reconnect with god once again on a more personal level and made it all the more meaningful. I wasn't doing it to make people happy or out of duty, but because I wanted to, because I DESIRED god, I desired that connection and that faith. I suddenly felt like I could trust in him again. I had thought from time to time, well we live in such secular world, people get around ok, people are ok without religion.... To trust in God, it just suddenly seemed so abstract. But now I felt, yes, now I CAN trust in him, just let go and just trust freely. To lift up all that I was carrying around with me to him and just
I never expected to feel something like this here. Here in a Christian church. One without a cross at the front of the church or priests or altar boys in traditional garb. It somehow felt authentic, genuine, easier to connect emotionally. Now, don't get me wrong here, I am not about to abandon Catholicism, was just another way of rediscovering Christ. If anything it made me more curious about the catholic faith.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Advice to the Young CYW
As a graduate of Humber's CYW program, I've come up witwh some advice for young aspiring CYWs whowant to start their training/ enter the field or are in training now .....
I don't claim any be an expert by any me , I am far far from there are many others way more naturally gifted and talented and more driven/ passionate than I am or will be in this field. But not to disregard my own experience.... here is my own take on it
1. Before you enter the field, be sure this is wha t you want to do. If you have any doubt whether this is for you, I would suggest speaking to a few cyws who are currently working in the field, get their perspective, or if not volunteer to work at kids mental health centre, or at a school, orat a summer camp.
2. Think about what drives you in this field. Are you somreone who needs to see results and gets discouraged easily when you don't see ? If so, one of my profs so brilliantly told us " You will not be able to change every child you make or make their life better, if you are not okay with that this is not the profession for you" Its true. Very true.
3. If you genuinely enjoy being around kids, whether you see success or not or are able to make a difference with them, then this career may be for you.
4.Be prepared to put in effort. Academics will not neccesarily be a struggle, however balancing internships with school WILL. Be organized, stay on top of things. Take plenty of rest!!!
5. Have a thick skin, you will come across kids who may be violent, throw tantrums and threaten to attack / or DO attack you/ others or curse and swear at you. You have to be able to take this on and be their shoulder to cry on and be the one to discpline them at the end of the day, only through Discplining them them, calling them out on their misbehaviour and still being there for them when they need you the most can you truly be the one they feel safe with and your job is halfway done.
6. Making Kids feel safe with you in my opinion is the most important ONE OF ALL. You won't get it immediately, but only through positive relationship-building ( cyw 101) can you get this.
7. Find your own niche in the field ( I am still figuring this one out) Not everyone wants ts to work in a school, or in a group/ residential home or in a hospital. It takes time, hell I am still working on it. If you work somewhere where you think it sucks you will not be happy, and when staff teams are unhappy kids are unhappy.
8. Don't be afraid to voice your opinion, sure its a little scary to be new, but if you see something is not right with a staff member or a client/ child or something you saw or witnessed, speak up. Don't be scared, you are an advocate.
I don't claim any be an expert by any me , I am far far from there are many others way more naturally gifted and talented and more driven/ passionate than I am or will be in this field. But not to disregard my own experience.... here is my own take on it
1. Before you enter the field, be sure this is wha t you want to do. If you have any doubt whether this is for you, I would suggest speaking to a few cyws who are currently working in the field, get their perspective, or if not volunteer to work at kids mental health centre, or at a school, orat a summer camp.
2. Think about what drives you in this field. Are you somreone who needs to see results and gets discouraged easily when you don't see ? If so, one of my profs so brilliantly told us " You will not be able to change every child you make or make their life better, if you are not okay with that this is not the profession for you" Its true. Very true.
3. If you genuinely enjoy being around kids, whether you see success or not or are able to make a difference with them, then this career may be for you.
4.Be prepared to put in effort. Academics will not neccesarily be a struggle, however balancing internships with school WILL. Be organized, stay on top of things. Take plenty of rest!!!
5. Have a thick skin, you will come across kids who may be violent, throw tantrums and threaten to attack / or DO attack you/ others or curse and swear at you. You have to be able to take this on and be their shoulder to cry on and be the one to discpline them at the end of the day, only through Discplining them them, calling them out on their misbehaviour and still being there for them when they need you the most can you truly be the one they feel safe with and your job is halfway done.
6. Making Kids feel safe with you in my opinion is the most important ONE OF ALL. You won't get it immediately, but only through positive relationship-building ( cyw 101) can you get this.
7. Find your own niche in the field ( I am still figuring this one out) Not everyone wants ts to work in a school, or in a group/ residential home or in a hospital. It takes time, hell I am still working on it. If you work somewhere where you think it sucks you will not be happy, and when staff teams are unhappy kids are unhappy.
8. Don't be afraid to voice your opinion, sure its a little scary to be new, but if you see something is not right with a staff member or a client/ child or something you saw or witnessed, speak up. Don't be scared, you are an advocate.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Great ride!
I love it when a horse behaves for me. Well it does make for a good lesson! I was riding casper whom Ireve been riding for the last 4 weeks and this was the best he has ever been! Last week he was a dead lazy spud, I wasn;t sure why, but perhaps it was cos he was just getting used to having side reins but on heim. But now, oh boy, he was practically push button. Well escept for going up the hill to the arena he was an little slow, but once in the ring! He was forward moving, i didn't have to use the whip at all, I just had to nudge him to get him forward a bit, but he was good! we got into a rhythm quickly and I worked on getting him in a frame and flexing in corners. I didn't even need to push him at all! it was quite amazgini.
Then the canter. I got into a nice trot, then sat and pushed him into a canter. He resptonded well, I had to keep my leg on ( lest he start trotting) and sitting up and following the movement and keeping on the track. He is going amazing! makes for an excellent ride that i didn't feel like getting off ( but knew i had to because he was tired)
I love it when a horse behaves for me. Well it does make for a good lesson! I was riding casper whom Ireve been riding for the last 4 weeks and this was the best he has ever been! Last week he was a dead lazy spud, I wasn;t sure why, but perhaps it was cos he was just getting used to having side reins but on heim. But now, oh boy, he was practically push button. Well escept for going up the hill to the arena he was an little slow, but once in the ring! He was forward moving, i didn't have to use the whip at all, I just had to nudge him to get him forward a bit, but he was good! we got into a rhythm quickly and I worked on getting him in a frame and flexing in corners. I didn't even need to push him at all! it was quite amazgini.
Then the canter. I got into a nice trot, then sat and pushed him into a canter. He resptonded well, I had to keep my leg on ( lest he start trotting) and sitting up and following the movement and keeping on the track. He is going amazing! makes for an excellent ride that i didn't feel like getting off ( but knew i had to because he was tired)
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Why I support Feminism/ Equality for Women
I never thought that people would think that there is no more need for feminism. Or that it is dirty word. Yes there is some gender equality, but until you can reverse the double standard that exists it won;t go away. a
I don't dislike men or think they are the problem. I think the way society works and operates is the problem. We psychologically experience inequality, for example, why is it that a guy needs to accompany me at night to take me home? Why am I not allowed to go home by myself? Will having a guy there really reduce the likelihood I would get harmed? or is just there to make me feel safer or others want to feel safer knowing someone is walking me home? now I know what everyone will say " why make aa fuss? it is only for your own safety" valid point, but why doesn't he need someone to walk him home? and I guess I would like too be able to have the agency to be able to ask for help myself out of my own free will for eg " Would you accompany me home, I would feel safer if I had someone with me"
Next would be victim-blaming, the common societal belief is that women should always protect themselves and be on the lookout or they will be the next " victim" this is privilege males have. If I have to hear one more time how a " rape" could have been prevented I will scream. Yes, I mean I think educating young people about how to party safe and smart ( for example, holding on to your own drink at all times, having a sober buddy with you, and a ride home and knowing your limits ) It has nothing to do with what you wear, for example, I walked down a street wearing a winter coat and jeans and then have a random car pull up to me with a bunch of guys waving dollar bills in my face exclaiming " How much?" I was pretty young and naive at the time and so shocked and gobsmacked by that I just stared in silence and horror of the audacity of someone to ask me that. Now I think if I encountered that again, my response would be a lot different.
I have been in a couple of abusive relationships. It is not easy to admit this because, yes I still feel the shame, guilt and self-blame through it. I am not immune to those feelings that I should have known better, that I should have ended it sooner. But until you understand what it is like to be in an abusive relationships you will never really know. I experienced emotional and sexual abusive. No, I wasn't slapped around silly. But Yet I still feel like I don't have the authority to say that what i was experienced was sexual violence when in reality I know, stripping away everything that is what it was. Having someone place their hands around your neck, and they getting off on that is violence when you didn't want it, you were prying his hands off your neck desperately, or silently wishing you passed out just to teach him a lesson on going too far. Or him penetrating you when you were half awake and couldn't really respond. Doing it because you felt you were being a bad girlfriend if you said no. I just kept it all to myself because I was ashamed of admitting the truth, I wanted it all to be okay, I didn't want to make him out to be the bad guy, I loved him too much for that. These things are all my past, but they are still a part of me. I can't undo them, they have been done, what I ccan do now is to heal and move on and try to reframe these experiences into positive meaningful ones. Thanks to him., I know more of what I really need and deserve.
I don't dislike men or think they are the problem. I think the way society works and operates is the problem. We psychologically experience inequality, for example, why is it that a guy needs to accompany me at night to take me home? Why am I not allowed to go home by myself? Will having a guy there really reduce the likelihood I would get harmed? or is just there to make me feel safer or others want to feel safer knowing someone is walking me home? now I know what everyone will say " why make aa fuss? it is only for your own safety" valid point, but why doesn't he need someone to walk him home? and I guess I would like too be able to have the agency to be able to ask for help myself out of my own free will for eg " Would you accompany me home, I would feel safer if I had someone with me"
Next would be victim-blaming, the common societal belief is that women should always protect themselves and be on the lookout or they will be the next " victim" this is privilege males have. If I have to hear one more time how a " rape" could have been prevented I will scream. Yes, I mean I think educating young people about how to party safe and smart ( for example, holding on to your own drink at all times, having a sober buddy with you, and a ride home and knowing your limits ) It has nothing to do with what you wear, for example, I walked down a street wearing a winter coat and jeans and then have a random car pull up to me with a bunch of guys waving dollar bills in my face exclaiming " How much?" I was pretty young and naive at the time and so shocked and gobsmacked by that I just stared in silence and horror of the audacity of someone to ask me that. Now I think if I encountered that again, my response would be a lot different.
I have been in a couple of abusive relationships. It is not easy to admit this because, yes I still feel the shame, guilt and self-blame through it. I am not immune to those feelings that I should have known better, that I should have ended it sooner. But until you understand what it is like to be in an abusive relationships you will never really know. I experienced emotional and sexual abusive. No, I wasn't slapped around silly. But Yet I still feel like I don't have the authority to say that what i was experienced was sexual violence when in reality I know, stripping away everything that is what it was. Having someone place their hands around your neck, and they getting off on that is violence when you didn't want it, you were prying his hands off your neck desperately, or silently wishing you passed out just to teach him a lesson on going too far. Or him penetrating you when you were half awake and couldn't really respond. Doing it because you felt you were being a bad girlfriend if you said no. I just kept it all to myself because I was ashamed of admitting the truth, I wanted it all to be okay, I didn't want to make him out to be the bad guy, I loved him too much for that. These things are all my past, but they are still a part of me. I can't undo them, they have been done, what I ccan do now is to heal and move on and try to reframe these experiences into positive meaningful ones. Thanks to him., I know more of what I really need and deserve.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Stay same love brave roar royals 2013
So 2013 has come and gone. Yeah I know its cheesy to do these, but fuck I have to. I forgot what its like to feel me. I miss feeling like myself, just feeling like I can be me, do me. Do what I want.
The later part of 2013 was hard, one of the hardest things I have done. But before that, let me go through the whole year.
The first semester was great. I was in school, I worked with grade 2s and 3s. It wasn't too hard, I mean hey I have cute little kids. Its not too challenging and fun. I got to plan a social skills program and had an excellent relationship with co-workers and supervisors. It was awesome. I had balance and order and 9-3 hours, there was some sanity in thIis. I could do my salsa, and get my homework done. f
The second semester, four days at a girls group/ treatment centre. Yeah my sktin got thickened, I had to put up with being cussed at, yelled at. But I learned the fundamental lesson, keep kids safe no matter what. You are there for the kids. Work your hardest, put in everything, . be strong. But of course, I will never forget theye week camping with my girls, I was able to show off my skills, be at my best, show my strengths. At the same time, bond with the girls and really see them in this new light, with so many strengths.
Third placeme
HARDEST THING EVER
I had to really balance school and being amazing at . Looking back now, I don't think I really fit my placement very well. I tried my best to do as much las I could within the constraint. But, maybe I didn't open up enough, didn't talk enough, but I felt I couldnt really be fully relaxed or myself. Like I was stretched too thin. As a result my work probably suffered. I didn't feel happy at all and some days just did not want to go to work at all. Just felt so underappreciated and like I couldn't do what I really wanted . I want to the kind of therapist that really works with the kids, not just making plans, but having them really need me. Feeling wanted by them. I didn't get any of that there. I was just so overstretched, and pressured and like I wasn't doing anything right. I knew that I didn't want to work there.
The later part of 2013 was hard, one of the hardest things I have done. But before that, let me go through the whole year.
The first semester was great. I was in school, I worked with grade 2s and 3s. It wasn't too hard, I mean hey I have cute little kids. Its not too challenging and fun. I got to plan a social skills program and had an excellent relationship with co-workers and supervisors. It was awesome. I had balance and order and 9-3 hours, there was some sanity in thIis. I could do my salsa, and get my homework done. f
The second semester, four days at a girls group/ treatment centre. Yeah my sktin got thickened, I had to put up with being cussed at, yelled at. But I learned the fundamental lesson, keep kids safe no matter what. You are there for the kids. Work your hardest, put in everything, . be strong. But of course, I will never forget theye week camping with my girls, I was able to show off my skills, be at my best, show my strengths. At the same time, bond with the girls and really see them in this new light, with so many strengths.
Third placeme
HARDEST THING EVER
I had to really balance school and being amazing at . Looking back now, I don't think I really fit my placement very well. I tried my best to do as much las I could within the constraint. But, maybe I didn't open up enough, didn't talk enough, but I felt I couldnt really be fully relaxed or myself. Like I was stretched too thin. As a result my work probably suffered. I didn't feel happy at all and some days just did not want to go to work at all. Just felt so underappreciated and like I couldn't do what I really wanted . I want to the kind of therapist that really works with the kids, not just making plans, but having them really need me. Feeling wanted by them. I didn't get any of that there. I was just so overstretched, and pressured and like I wasn't doing anything right. I knew that I didn't want to work there.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
At the End
So today was my last day of internship..... How i felt walking out of there, I felt nothing, no sense of overwhelming " omg can't believe I am leaving" none of that. I don't know... maybe I should have opened up more, maybe I should have talked more with the team, but I just got too into my head and felt really isolated by all them, like I felt there was a distinct separation between me and them. I mean, I just felt they didn't really ask me anything, or maybe I should have iniated more conversation. I don't know....
Maybe in other words, I didn't feel like I really belonged or was part of them, maybe cos of how transient my position is. As an intern you are constantly being judged and put under a microscope and evaluated. I mean, I remember my very last day at George Hull, there was a puppy tugging at feet, I was single shifted for the afternoon and I went " wow, can't believe I am done" I think another thing I didn't feel a sense of connectedness to the kids the way I did with the LP girls. Here, I just felt like I couldn't really connect to them, I mean I had a relationship but it wasn't the same, I wouldn't cry over them. I was guarded. Maybe its my fault and I should have worked harder at this placement, I should have run more 1-1 activities, should have done more activities with the group. I didn;'t seize those opportunities... why? well I think firstly because i didn't think I really had to.... and yes Ok fine I will take responsibility for it, but then again I don't want to, I felt there was no space for it. I would have to go through so many hoops to just run a program. A word to describe would be, constricted. I felt constricted, and worried about whatever I was saying. I could n't really be fully relaxed and myself the way I did when I was at George Hull. Im not playing my last placement in any way, they operate in their way and its their program, nothing wrong with it and as a good cyw i need to be able to adapt myself to any setting and be good at it. I just felt I couldn't be me.
I want to work with kids who need me, who really want me to be around them and not just on some perch in the office. Maybe it is working with younger kids... I just want to feel like I want to have fun with the kids and be hands on with them. I mean yes, I do get the clinical piece and how it is important. But maybe my place is somewhere I can run and design programing, really be there with the kids and have fun with them.
that is what I want and what I lacked, having fun with the kids. I like to be able to give a kid a hug if they need it. At my last placement, I couldn't. I just didn't have a sense of true connectedness to the kids, I didn't have fun with them, but I did really get a chance to practice more counselling skills. But I felt this wasn't really me at my strongest. I mean, i feel I am strongest if I am able to be out in the community with clients, even out playing a sport in a park, visiting a meuseum, just interacting with them on a more informal level, yet also getting the chance to counsel them.
Part of it was too was that I think I had to balance schoolwork and placement and that is HARD. You are at placement 30hrs a week and in school 12 hrs a week. Its a lot of hours, you have little time for yourself.
Maybe in other words, I didn't feel like I really belonged or was part of them, maybe cos of how transient my position is. As an intern you are constantly being judged and put under a microscope and evaluated. I mean, I remember my very last day at George Hull, there was a puppy tugging at feet, I was single shifted for the afternoon and I went " wow, can't believe I am done" I think another thing I didn't feel a sense of connectedness to the kids the way I did with the LP girls. Here, I just felt like I couldn't really connect to them, I mean I had a relationship but it wasn't the same, I wouldn't cry over them. I was guarded. Maybe its my fault and I should have worked harder at this placement, I should have run more 1-1 activities, should have done more activities with the group. I didn;'t seize those opportunities... why? well I think firstly because i didn't think I really had to.... and yes Ok fine I will take responsibility for it, but then again I don't want to, I felt there was no space for it. I would have to go through so many hoops to just run a program. A word to describe would be, constricted. I felt constricted, and worried about whatever I was saying. I could n't really be fully relaxed and myself the way I did when I was at George Hull. Im not playing my last placement in any way, they operate in their way and its their program, nothing wrong with it and as a good cyw i need to be able to adapt myself to any setting and be good at it. I just felt I couldn't be me.
I want to work with kids who need me, who really want me to be around them and not just on some perch in the office. Maybe it is working with younger kids... I just want to feel like I want to have fun with the kids and be hands on with them. I mean yes, I do get the clinical piece and how it is important. But maybe my place is somewhere I can run and design programing, really be there with the kids and have fun with them.
that is what I want and what I lacked, having fun with the kids. I like to be able to give a kid a hug if they need it. At my last placement, I couldn't. I just didn't have a sense of true connectedness to the kids, I didn't have fun with them, but I did really get a chance to practice more counselling skills. But I felt this wasn't really me at my strongest. I mean, i feel I am strongest if I am able to be out in the community with clients, even out playing a sport in a park, visiting a meuseum, just interacting with them on a more informal level, yet also getting the chance to counsel them.
Part of it was too was that I think I had to balance schoolwork and placement and that is HARD. You are at placement 30hrs a week and in school 12 hrs a week. Its a lot of hours, you have little time for yourself.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Ode to 2013
Last yr at this time.... I was in toronto... ringing in the new year with ben at a lesbian bar in downtown. It was fun, but just seems miles away at this point. An entire year has gone by since then. So much has happened and changed, but at the end of it, I feel a lot happier as a person.
Happiness is a choice. One can choose to fill their lives with joy and contentness and focus on trying to see the good and staying positive. Why dwell on the negative when you can choose to be happier and see the beauty in the world. Despite all the setbacks one might encounter, just being grateful for what you have, appreciating, fully experiencing, and choosing to see the strenghts and good in people as well as being good to others goes a long way.
For me the biggest things were graduating from university, getting used to being on my own ( and liking it!) and finally training to be child and youth worker, and experiencing love once again
Graduating from university was big. If anything it was something to prove to myself that I did it. I had done it. I had done something I never really expected of myself. I had survived four years in one of the most academically rigorous universities in canada.
With graduation, I finally had the freedom to pursue what I realised i truly loved. I embarked upon a child and youth worker program, not really knowing what would come of it, but now it has given me a drive and ambition and opened up a world where I truly feel like I belong and this IS the career for me.
Being on my own again, I am finally in a place where I am happily single. I am not actively out there searching for partner, but taking my time and not rushing into something. I need to consider my needs and my criteria. I am now at a stage where I know what I need and want. I can see what I don't need or want. Its taken me a while to get here. But I am glad that I have.
On next yr...
I am nervous about what is to happen this yr.... who knows right? its filled with some certainty and uncertainty, certainty in the sense that I know where I will be for the next year. Uncertainty in the sense that I really don't know what this year will bring. But then again, that uncertainty brings with it a kind of hope and excitement for what is to happen. I am excited for internships next yr, the people I will be meeting, and how things will shape out. Its true I don't know what will happen, but what I do know is that, I want to stay this happy and positive, I need to further find out what I want to specialise in within my field, do my best, stand up for myself more, be grateful for everything I have, and find god more in my life.
Happiness is a choice. One can choose to fill their lives with joy and contentness and focus on trying to see the good and staying positive. Why dwell on the negative when you can choose to be happier and see the beauty in the world. Despite all the setbacks one might encounter, just being grateful for what you have, appreciating, fully experiencing, and choosing to see the strenghts and good in people as well as being good to others goes a long way.
For me the biggest things were graduating from university, getting used to being on my own ( and liking it!) and finally training to be child and youth worker, and experiencing love once again
Graduating from university was big. If anything it was something to prove to myself that I did it. I had done it. I had done something I never really expected of myself. I had survived four years in one of the most academically rigorous universities in canada.
With graduation, I finally had the freedom to pursue what I realised i truly loved. I embarked upon a child and youth worker program, not really knowing what would come of it, but now it has given me a drive and ambition and opened up a world where I truly feel like I belong and this IS the career for me.
Being on my own again, I am finally in a place where I am happily single. I am not actively out there searching for partner, but taking my time and not rushing into something. I need to consider my needs and my criteria. I am now at a stage where I know what I need and want. I can see what I don't need or want. Its taken me a while to get here. But I am glad that I have.
On next yr...
I am nervous about what is to happen this yr.... who knows right? its filled with some certainty and uncertainty, certainty in the sense that I know where I will be for the next year. Uncertainty in the sense that I really don't know what this year will bring. But then again, that uncertainty brings with it a kind of hope and excitement for what is to happen. I am excited for internships next yr, the people I will be meeting, and how things will shape out. Its true I don't know what will happen, but what I do know is that, I want to stay this happy and positive, I need to further find out what I want to specialise in within my field, do my best, stand up for myself more, be grateful for everything I have, and find god more in my life.